Thurles Information

I was having a quite pint above in the Arch Bar Liberty Square, Thurles earlier this evening, contemplating my earlier visit to the Doctor. I had gone over to visited him in relation to my wife’s recent announcement that she was pregnant.

“Doctor”, said I, “there has been no intimacy of any kind between my wife and myself since St. Paddy’s Day 2014.  Now she tells me she is pregnant; so how can that come about?

“Oh”, said the doctor, “your wife’s condition is what we in the medical field call a ‘Grudge Pregnancy’. It’s a quite common condition these day’s. To explain it the simplest way possible, obviously someone had it in for you.

I had left the doctor’s office now more confused than when I had entered and was quietly pondering his explanation, when suddenly there was Mikey.

“Wouldn’t you think”, said Mikey Ryan, squeezing in beside me at the bar counter.
“Think what”, said I.
“That they would have thrown a couple of shovels of tarmac in those twelve inch deep holes”, replied Mikey.
“What twelve inch deep holes are you talking about”, said I.

“Ah, you know the holes”, said Mikey annoyed at my obvious lack of civic observation, “the holes that are situated near where the raw sewerage has been flowing into the River Suir on Barry’s Bridge, for the past number of years”.

“Ah, now I have you”, said I, “those holes; but sure listen to me, those holes are on all the roads and streets around Thurles. Sure weren’t Tipperary Co. Council Councillors on TippFm Radio, last weekend saying that Transport Infrastructure Ireland were going to fix them over the next two years.”

“I wouldn’t put much faith in that”, said Mikey, “although I saw two fellows on the bridge wearing reflective jackets and crash helmets; one had an iron bar in his hand, making shapes last Monday morning.

“You know I once went for one of them engineering jobs with Tipperary County Council some years back”, continued Mikey. “There were two interviewers in suits and the one with the glasses asked me if I suffered  from any allergies?”   “Begod , yes sir, said I”, continued Mikey, “don’t I come out in a severe red raw rash if I drink tea or coffee”.

According to Mikey, the two suits then looked at each other strangely, before the fellow with the glasses wanted to know if I had ever travelled abroad.

Mikey swirled his last mouthful of beer around the bottom of his pint glass. “So,” he continued, “sure I proudly informed him about my sojourn in the Irish Army and my five year involvement as a UN Peace Keeper on the Syrian-Israel border.”

“Amazing”, said the guy with his top pocket full of pens, “were you ever injured?”
“Yes”, replied Mikey proudly, “Yes,  a grenade exploded near my machine gun post and blew me into the air, resulting in the loss of both my testicles.”

Both interviewers looked at each other again, before announcing that the normal expected working hours, if he was to be a successful applicant, would be from 8.00am to 4.00pm, with an hour for lunch.  “Now” said one of the suits, “if you are successful; in your particular case there is no need  to start until 10.00am each day”.

“Sure, as you can imagine, I was confused”, said Mikey, “so I asked, if my hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why am I only starting two hours later than everyone else?”  To which, according to Mikey, the one with the pens stated,  that this was Tipperary County Council, and for the first two hours, every work morning, they normally stood around drinking tea and coffee and scratching their balls, so there would be no point in him coming in early to stand around idle.

“You know, I reckon that is why those feckin holes were never filled”, said Mikey with a knowing nod.

“Give us two more pints there Pat”, said I.

TV3 news made the perilous trip to the town of Tipperary in Co. Tipperary yesterday. Normally TV crews only appear occasionally in the county, to capture, digitally, and on video camera, Horse racing, GAA matches, or as Mikey Ryan interjected during our discussions in the Arch Bar Liberty Square, Thurles tonight; serious assaults carried out by those residing in quality social housing, provided by the Irish State, in our larger Irish cities.
“This scum arrives from places like Limerick and Dublin in fast, stolen cars, like the Viking hordes of old, gaining access into rural Tipperary homes, to raid, seriously assault, torture, and hold to ransom our children, our elderly pensioners, particularly those living alone.” said Mikey.

“By God, that TV3 crew were doing us a great favour today”, said I, “highlighting and hopefully demonstrating the failings by Tipperary Co. Council staff, Tipperary County Councillors and Transport Infrastructure Ireland (T.I.I.) “.

“Who the feck is this T.I.I. that elected Councillors fear so much”, queried Mikey; a look of confusion on his jaw.
“Sure, they are the Irish State agency responsible for all national road and public transport infrastructure”, says I, “wasn’t they established quietly back in 2015, by merging our former National Roads Authority and our Railway Procurement Agency. They were introduced by the former Minister for Transport, Tourism & Sport Mr Leo Varadkar; him that now runs our present Fine Gael minority government”.

“I wonder was it the T.I.I. the wife and I spotted before lunch on Thursday morning last, dodging speeding cars on the Cathedral / Kickham Street roundabout”, queried Mikey.

“I can’t confirm it was them”, said I, “but I can tell you, if it was the T.I.I., they are in serious financial difficulties, despite the 10% increase inflicted by Co. Councillors (without our permission), on our 2018 Tipperary Property Tax (T.P.T.) charges”.

“I don’t understand how you came to that feckin pecuniary conclusion”, said Mikey. “Isn’t is bloody obvious”, said I, “you go down to the Cathedral Street Car Park this Saturday morning; you know the place where people are required to fork out €1.20 per hour in order to go shopping. Now check the main entrance area, only the medium size holes are filled, obviously to simply save tar and stone chippings. Smaller holes and a very large road subsidence on the main thoroughfare itself has been totally ignored”.

“And do you think the lads undertaking last Thursdays work, will get paid for their product saving workmanship?”, asked Mikey.

“Of course, they will Mikey”, said I, “sure who is to know?  County Engineers won’t be checking, local Councillors and TD’s won’t be checking, and remember tax payer’s wallets will, on demand and without question, always provide an endless supply of the old spondulux; unless of course you are an American multinational technology company called Apple Inc., head-quartered in Cupertino, California”.

“So, I wonder why did TV3 head down that perilous “Long Way to Tipperary,” asked Mikey.
That is a simple question to answer Mikey, me ‘auld segotia’, [latter vocabulary Dublin people will understand – meaning a term of endearment, good friend, mate, buddy, pal, rarely used beyond the Pale],“ said I, “sure to find a pothole you have to travel on a ‘wing and a prayer’ to Tipperary. Have you ever heard of a pothole or a gravel roadway like Barry’s Bridge, around O’Connell Street, Dublin; Donnybrook, Dublin 4, or the Westgate Business Park, Ballymount, Dublin 24.”

“Listen, I’m off Mikey”, said I, “now you be careful walking home, those bloody footpaths, heading up your way, are truly treacherous”.