It had come to my attention that I hadn’t seen Johnny Hayes, from the Watery Mall, in recent weeks. So, when I ran into Mikey Ryan in the Arch Bar here in Thurles, last night, I broached the question as to where he might have suddenly vanished.
Mikey had just come off his iPhone, having organising his costume for the 56th annual Littleton “Star Treck” celebrations, this coming month. [By the way, this year Mikey hopes to win the best costume competition. He is appearing, wearing a ‘Tree Trunk’, representing the ‘Captains Log’.]
“No sure it would be strange if you had seen him”, said Mikey, “Sure Johnny’s resting above in St. Patricks”.
“Holy God and his Mother”, said I, “I never heard; how long is he dead?”
“If he had lived until next Saturday”, said Mikey, “he’d have been dead a full month”.
“Good Lord, I’m totally shocked”, said I, “Sure last time we met he was in great form; how did he die?“
“Ah, it was nothing serious”, said Mikey, “It was a workplace accident, didn’t a Tipperary Co. Council stream roller run over his fingers”.
“But sure that wouldn’t kill a strong, healthy man like Johnny”, said I.
“Indeed it would”, said Mikey, “Sure wasn’t he picking his nose at the time”.
“God love him, he was fierce unlucky. Then again it was always the case with Johnny, as long as I knew him anyway; if he had been playing doctors and nurses, he’d have been the ambulance driver”, continued Mikey.
“Two half ones there, Pat,” said I, “and we’ll raise a glass to his memory”.
While only released officially this month, [October 21st, 2022] the film, “The Banshees of Inisherin” [Runtime: 113 minutes], is already available, two days later, here to view in Thurles, Co. Tipperary.
Opening this afternoon to rave reviews; three of the film’s well known stars, Brendan Gleeson, Kerry Condon and Pat Shortt; are no strangers to Thurles town, with the latter two named, both born and educated here in the Cathedral town.
Directed by Martin McDonagh, [“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”]; the story tells of a pair of lifelong friends, on a remote Irish island, (set on the Irish Arran Islands), who find themselves at an awkward period in their relationship, when one of them no longer wants to be friends with the other.
Pádraic (played by Colin Farrell), latter an affable and kind man living on a fictional remote island known as Inisherin, suddenly has his world seriously shaken when his former close friend Colm (latter played by Brendan Gleeson), chooses to cut off their previously enjoyed, lifelong friendship. What begins as a minor squabble between both of these former old friends, soon sends shockwaves throughout their small close-knit community, thus causing everyone, from Pádraic’s sister Siobhán (Played by Thurles born Kerry Condon) to the local parish priest, to inquire as to the cause of Colm’s sudden active hatred.
You can’t trust sewage or drainage pipes….They’re full of crap.
You would think that following the major flooding of our Thurles streets, last Sundays night; which saw 73.2mm to 125mm [3 to 5 ins] of sewage, permeated with surface water, flooding business premises and other dwellings, that those who raised our property taxes by 10% each year for the next two years, would have cleaned out our blocked drains.
No, five days later, total failure, I regret to report; as pictured by our drone this morning within the 50 kilometre [30mph] speed limit area, between O’Carroll’s (Top Oil) Service Station and Thurles Lidl Supermarket, on the N62, Slievenamon Road in the town.
N62 Slievenamon Road, Thurles, Co. Tipperary, October 21st 2022. [Pic. G. Willoughby]
The N62 road is a national secondary road linking the M6 motorway east of Athlone, Co. Westmeath with the M7 motorway south of Roscrea and junction 6 of the M8 motorway close to the Horse and Jockey in Co. Tipperary.
The N62 is well travelled daily by local councillors; Municipal District senior officials and staff. Because of heavy traffic, our “eye in the sky” was only able to hover over, and photograph just two of some 5 identified blocked drains, all within a 500 meter stretch of this secondary road.
Clue to locating blocked drains. Since, hopefully, you are driving within the 50 kilometre [30mph] speed limit laid down in this area, recently prone to flooding, it is easy to locate the blocked drains.
N62 Slievenamon Road, Thurles, Co. Tipperary, October 21st 2022. [Pic. G. Willoughby]
First check for tall Grass; various sprouting Brassicas; (latter genera of plants relatives of the cabbage and mustard family), Dandelines, frost tolerant Common Groundsel and germinating Wheat seed. Same growth can be located growing, like tiny islands, on tarmacadamed road surfaces, usually located close to kerbs; growing from what appear to be at first potholes.
Here also is yet another clue; Thurles potholes (which we are aware number 3,978, following a more recent count by the Central Statistics Office) are for some unknown reason, usually round, disk shaped, or hoop-shaped on our Tipperary roads. Blocked drains on the other hand, for some strange reason and for the most part are quadrate or rectangular in shape.
Same are used everywhere else in Ireland, except Thurles town, to drain away excess rain and ground water from impervious surfaces, such as paved or tarmacked streets, car parks, parking lots, footpaths, side-walks, and roofs of buildings. But then Thurles is big into promoting biodiversity, as can be seen by the state of our polluted river Suir, our pavements and our local graveyards.
Section of current Thurles pavement. [Pic. G. Willoughby]
Once identified, one wonders should Thurles Municipal District Council contact Irish Water; or the Office of Public Works; or maybe Iascach Intíre Éireann (Inland Fisheries Ireland)? Maybe there is some other government department that Thurles Local Councillors can blame befort shifting responsibility.
True for Sean O’Casey’s character ‘Captain Boyle’ in ‘Juno and the Paycock’, quote “Th’ whole county of Tipperary is in a terrible state o’ chassis”, said Mikey Ryan. Mikey had just finished reading a copy of one of the local rag newspapers, which he had pulled from behind the counter, when I caught up with him, after his 4th pint of the evening, in The Arch Bar, Liberty Square.
“I believe his phrase wasTh’ whole world’s in a terrible state o’ chassis”, said I, sounding intelligent.
“Same difference”, said Mikey.
“Ah to be fair, Tipperary was the only county in Ireland to show a decrease in the numbers on the Live Register in the last 12 months”, said I, “with an overall drop of some 1%”.
“What that figure really represent is 1% of our residents, anxious to seek work, eventually took the hint and moved overseas”, said Mikey, “Why do you think they’ve sprayed the graffiti image of a Swallow on our town’s cark park wall?They are hoping that the same 1% will come back like the swallows next summer on holidays, and prop up Fáilte Ireland’s imaginary tourist figures. One wonders why we continue to pay Mick Lowry and Jackie Cahill salaries of 2 million Euro’s, including expenses, every 5 year period, despite their consistent inadequacy in producing even one single job in Thurles, during their lengthy period in office”, Mikey continued.
“No argument there Mikey”, said I, “but then that doesn’t stop them from regularly demonstrating their delusions of adequacy. Anyway, tell us this and tell us no more, did you ever think of emigrating yourself Mikey” I continued.
“Several times” said Mikey, “I wanted to move to Australia once, but the immigration officer started asking awkward questions. Have you any criminal convictions? says he. Sure I, as an Irishman wasn’t to know that crime was still an Australian requirement for immigrants, after Michael Collins had helped the British to escape out of this country”.
“I never told you this before”, continued Mikey, “but I tried to get a visa for America, earlier this year. The immigration official asked where was I hoping to go, and when I said San Jose, Northern Californiabefore the immigration officer corrected me saying that San Jose was pronounced ‘San Hose’; It seems their ‘J’ is pronounced as a ‘H’. “So how long do you intend staying in San Hose?” says he. “In my efforts” said I “to impress, I said six months; from Hanuary to Hune. “Then”, said Mikey, “sure in filling out the immigration form I was asked “Sex“. I tried to answer truthfully, as I had already ticked the ‘married‘ box, so I wrote ‘just occasionally’. Then while I was there in the immigration office, disaster, didn’t I interrupt the interviewing officer, who was answering his mobile phone, informing him that “They should be shipped back where they came from, as they have a tendency to cause explosions”. The illegitimate son of a b..ch accused me of being racist and was about to call security, before I eventually persuaded him, that I was referring to the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone, he was using. Still he wrote me a lovely letter a few days later, stating that my visa was denied on the grounds of fears that the level of the current IQ, present in ‘San Hose’would double”.
“Tell me this Mikey”, said I, “is Thurles the only town in the world not suffering from a severe energy crisis?”
“Indeed it appears so” said Mikey, “sure aren’t 57 street lights burning currently in Thurles town, during day light hours, and for the last 4 months. Yet, a senior Tipperary council official has beenurging community and business groups elsewhere in the county, to reduce the hours that Christmas lights are left turned on during the forthcoming festive season, (Note: only another 11 Saturdays left until Xmas Eve), as energy costs continue to soar. Thank God the Director of Services Mr Brian Beck doesn’t get up as far as Thurles or he would really “blow a fuse”, Mikey ranted on.
“When you’re ready Pat, you can give Mikey another pint,” said I, “we’ll be walking home every night from now on, since they’ve tripled the width of Thurles town pavements”.
The four year old boy announced at the dinner table, “Dad, I’ve decided to get married”.
A surprised father replied, “Wonderful son and do you have a particular girl in mind?”
“Yes” replied his young son, “Grandma”. He further continued in his efforts to justify the reason for his intentions; “She said she loves me, I love her, too, and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world”.
His father replied, “That’s very nice son, but we do have a small problem here”.
“What’s the problem?”, queried the young boy.
His father replied, “Well son, not trying to disappoint you, but she happens to be my mother. How can you possibly marry my mother”.
The young boy quickly retorted “Why not? Didn’t you marry mine”.
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