Paddy Murphy, the local Thurles chicken farmer, entered the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, Thurles and taking a seat at the counter, he called for a brandy and white lemonade.
It was the middle of the afternoon and the place was partially deserted except for a rather attractive 35 year old woman, socially distancing, 2 metres away, also seated at the counter.
The woman was first to break the silence by announcing “How about that? I just ordered a brandy and white lemonade too!”
Paddy turns to her and says, “What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating,” says the woman.
“What a coincidence,” said Paddy.
On being both served, they stretch out and clinked glasses and Paddy, now curious, asks, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I” said the woman,” have been trying to have a baby for the last 5 years. Today, my gynaecologist in Kilkenny Hospital, informed me that I’m pregnant!”
“Now that is a real coincidence,” says Paddy. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens appeared to be infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”
“That’s great,” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I switched to a younger cock,” Paddy replied.
“Why if that isn’t yet another coincidence,” said the woman.
“With TDs, Lowry and Cahill, constantly leaking how government departments are going to spend our money; isn’t it a shame we don’t manufacture anything here in Thurles any more”, said Mikey Ryan.
He had followed me into John Lacey’s Butchers Shop, on Friar Street, Thurles; both of us having been sent out with the instruction not to return, if we had not acquired a nice piece of round roast for the Sunday dinner.
“You know” says he, “I just bought a TV in that new Lidl place on Slievenamon Road yesterday and it said on the label, “Built-in Antenna”. “Now”, he continued, “since you studied geography up in the Christian Brothers later than me, tell me, in the name of God, where I can find ‘Antenna’ on the world map?
Anxious to change the subject, I winked at John replying, “Probably China, where they make all those other smart TV’s and doggy computers”.
“Did you know”, said Mikey, “a priest told me once that the oldest known computer was owned by Adam and the wife Eve? It was the Apple brand, with very limited memory; just one byte, but when his wife switched it on within minutes the world feckin became involved in the couture business, sewing fig leaves together, to make topless bikini’s.
“I see a computer-like contraption in a wire cage, at the entrance to that new car-park on Slievenamon road”, said I, again trying to change Mikey’s idiotic conversation.
“You mean “Checkpoint Charlie”, said Mikey, “with those auto arm barriers aimed at the sky and not a height restrictor in sight”.
“I reckon it could be a Thurles symbol of a future ‘Cold War’ all right, if Tipperary County Council and those local Municipal District Councillors, fail to halt the destruction of our town centre”, said I.
“Why was the original German Checkpoint Charlie built anyway”, quizzed Mikey.
“Ah sure everone knows, for almost 30 years until 1989, didn’t it stop the East Germanbrain drain, all anxious to emigrate or defect westward, from East Berlin into West Berlin”, said I.
“Oh Right”, said Mikey, “I think I see what you’re saying; so this Thurles Checkpoint Charliecould be an attempt by Thurles Councillors and Thurles Chamber of Commerce to prevent smart shopkeepers and local consumers from defecting from Liberty Square, to benefit from the free parking available in the new town centre now at Lidl and Thurles Shopping Centre on Slievenamon Road”.
“I wouldn’t be at all feckin surprised”, said I , “to see our local Councillors out in that new ‘Checkpoint Charlie‘ car-park, letting the air out of car tyres, and blocking exhaust pipes with spuds, in what they would see as a positive effort to keep footfall on Liberty Square”.
“Listen, I’ve got to run”, said I, “Sure Pat Hayes, will have ‘The Arch Bar’ open again on Monday week July 26th next, please God, so with all our vaccine jabs got, no doubt we will run into each other very shortly again, for an auld chin-wag.
The little old Thurles widow woman approaches her parish Rector and shyly confesses to him, “Reverend Jones, I have a problem. As you known I live alone and I recently purchased two Rainbow lorikeet, talkingparrots; both female, to keep me company, but whenever I am hostess to visitors in my home, they regularly keep repeating an embarrasssing phrase. They each keep saying – Hi, I’m hot; do you want to fool around?”
“That is terrible!” says Rev. Jones. “But stop worrying, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male African Grey, talking parrots. I’ve taught them to pray and read passages from holy scripture. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop repeating suggestive filth, and they also will learn to pray and worship their great creator.”
Next day, the widow woman brings her two female Australian parrots to the local rectory.
There, in a large silver metal cage, sits the Rector’s two male African Grey parrots. One parrot is slowly turning the pages of a large King James edition of the Bible, while the other one sits with his eyes closed; reciting prayers taken from the Book of Common Prayer.
On the suggestion of the Rector, the widow puts both her female Rainbow lorikeet parrots in with the talking male parrots. The female parrots look at each other before, in unison, stating, “Hi, I’m hot. Do you want to fool around?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, “Put that Bible away stupid, can’t you see our prayers have just been answered!”
Senator Ahearn in his press release stated, “The Programme will assist Tipperary County Council in implementing 21 road improvement projects across the county while building on the support provided under the 2020 July Stimulus Plan”.
Senator Ahearn continued, “The types of projects approved for funding include schemes aimed at alleviating flooding to roads,…….the replacement/repair of seawalls which support regional and local roads.“
“Well if it isn’t yourself”, said I to Mikey Ryan, “Sure I haven’t seen you since before Christmas”.
I met Mikey yesterday evening admiring the new upgrade being undertaken in the centre of Liberty Square, Thurles.
“Well where have you been hiding yourself. How did you get over the Xmas?”, said I.
“Oh, we got over the Xmas OK” said Mikey, “since our extended family, as you know is big, and because of the Covid-19 restrictions allowing only 6 people into a house for the Xmas dinner, instead we held a funeral for the turkey which legally permitted 25 mourners to be in attendance.”
“Right”, said I somewhat confused, “but where have you been hiding out since Xmas?”.
“I have been over in University Hospital Limerick for the past 3 months,” said Mikey. “Sure I was in a coma for 6 whole weeks”.
“Really”, said I, trying to sound surprised. Well, to be honest I had heard the rumours from one of the neighbours, but no one knew the full story, even though the Guards had visited the house uninvited on a couple of occasions.
“Between ourselves” said Mikey “I was sanitising my hands and happened to say to the kids that I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and carrots. No sooner spoken than I felt a sharp pain to the left side of my head and that’s all I remember till I woke up 6 weeks later. The consultant said my injuries were akin to blunt force trauma to the head, possibly caused by having come into contact with a heavy cast iron frying pan. Herself indoors is as puzzled as I am, as to how it happened”.
“Jasus Mikey, talking of potato peelers” said I startled, “I’m thinking this new Liberty Square upgrade won’t be finished until 2025. It looks like they have planted a few drills of potatoes in the Square, sure they won’t be harvested until next September at the earliest.”
“That reminds me”, said Mikey “My father used to say to me “Son, back in my day, I could walk in any store with just a halfpenny in my pocket and come home with a bag of potato chips, two ‘Peggy’s Leg” toffee bars and a two bags of Liquorice Allsorts. Well I suppose times have changed; you couldn’t do that now with all those bloody CCTV cameras stuck everywhere”.
“Do you remember”, continued Mikey smiling “when I was a coal delivery man”.
“I do indeed; that was before you became self-employed” said I.
“Spot on,” said Mikey; a grin on his face, “well it was my last day on the job after dragging, for over 15 years, hundredweight after hundredweightbags of coal on my back in hail rain and snow, around the town of Thurles. When I arrived at one house on the Kickham Street route that day, I was greeted by the woman in one house who congratulated me on my retirement and sent me on my way with a stone of red Rooster potatoes as a gift. At a second house in Mitchel Street, the family presented me with a packet of 20 Carroll’s, filter tipped, cigarettes”.
“But”, continued Mikey, “it was the gift from a third house situated in the area of Friar Street, that I will never forget.
It was at that house; I was greeted at the door by a beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. Ignoring the black coal dust, she took me by the hand, and led me up the stairs to her bedroom, where without going into the intimate details, she blew my mind with the most passionate lovemaking that I have ever experienced, either since or before.
She then took me downstairs to the kitchen, where she had fixed, in advance, a giant fry-up; eggs, sauté potatoes, rashers, sausages, black pudding; all kept warm at Mark 2 in her gas cooker. This she then served with a tall glass of cold, freshly squeezed orange juice. When I had eaten my fill, she poured me a cup of steaming hot tea with two sugars. It was as she was pouring the tea that I noticed the green, one pound note sticking out from under the saucer. What’s this pound here for? says I”. ‟Well,” said she, ‟Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day on the job, and that we should do something special for you; to mark the occasion. I asked him what he thought I should give you. He said, “Screw him. Give him a pound”. But pet, it is important that you remember that the full breakfast was solely my idea.”
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