Humour « Thurles Information

Mikey Ryan Released From Hospital Observation.

“I haven’t seen you for at least a week”, said I, “Were you on holidays?”.
Mikey Ryan was wending his way towards The Arch Bar, through the labrinth of plastic bollards and wire railings on Liberty Square, as I was exiting the same venue.

“Between ourselves”, said Mikey “And this isn’t widely known, I was in hospital down in Limerick, with a suspected broken jaw”.

Not wishing to pry I asked, in jest, “Did you fall off your wallet again?”

“Not at all”, said Mikey, then lowering his voice he related to me a tale from which some men could do worse than pay attention.

“Truth is I was attacked by a woman in an elevator” Mikey stated in low tones.

“Tell me more” says I, “Was she local?”

“Not at all”, said Mikey, “She was from over Nenagh direction possibly; sure I don’t even know her name. Let me finish the story”.
“There was I already going down in the hotel lift on my own, when she got in on the fourth floor. A good lookin well-built bit of fluff, in her 30’s I’d say. She looked at me in silence, with her back to the rear of the elevator”.

Lowering his voice to a whisper Mikey Ryan continued, “I couldn’t help myself, throwing a series of casual glances sideways at her ample boobs, when she said to me curtly “Sir would you please press one”, so I did.”
“The next thing I remember after that”, confirmed Mikey, “was a paramedic crouched over me, in a speeding ambulance; sirens blazing, and this ferocious pain in my swollen left jaw”.

“And how did you explain that to herself indoors”, said I.

“Oh, I told her I fell backwards out of an indoor swing in the hotel”, said Mikey, “while having my photo taken. I said I was holding drink in both my hands, thus restricting my ability to balance and preventing myself from holding the ropes properly“.

“Listen I have to rush”, said Mikey, “I have a terrible thirst and Pat will be calling last orders shortly. Are you sure you won’t wait for one more?”.

“No can’t possibly”, said I, “Herself is gone to Bingo and she is insisting I watch the 11:00pm news and relate, when she returns, why Kate Middleton didn’t bond with Meghan Markle.”

Much Loved “Only Fools and Horses” Character ‘Boycie’ dies, aged 79.

English actor John Spurley Challis (1942 – 2021), best known for portraying Terrance Aubrey “Boycie” Boyce in the long-running BBC Television sitcom “Only Fools and Horses” (1981–2003) has sadly passed away today, at the age of 79 years, following a battle with cancer.

Mr Challis will also be long remembered from the “Only Fools and Horses” spin-off “The Green Green Grass”, as well as “Monty Staines” in the ITV sitcom ‘Benidorm’.

Announcing the passing of Mr Challis, his family stated: “It is with heavy hearts that we bring you such sad news. Our dear friend and yours, John Challis, has died peacefully in his sleep, after a long battle with cancer. He will always be loved for being ‘Boycie’ and leaves a great legacy of work that will continue to bring pleasure and smiles for many years to come.
Please respect the privacy of John’s family and friends at this difficult time, and be assured that in the future there will be an occasion to celebrate John’s life, when everyone will be welcome to come along.”

Co-star Sir David Jason also paid tribute to Mr Challis, labelling him “a wonderful actor” and also “a gentleman in the true sense of the word.”

In ár gcroíthe go deo.

Tipp. Co. Co’s Super Mattress Bonus Give-Away Begins Tomorrow.

Tipperary County Council’s Mattress Bonus Give-Away

Local Councillors and a Senior Executive Officer from “Environment and Climate Action”, stationed within the local Tipperary Authority, rushed out last week to announce on Facebook; on Local Radio and on local Press that an opportunity had arisen to dispose of unwanted mattresses at Civic Amenity sites across Tipperary.

With politicians on holiday, news and political self-promotional announcements, within Tipperary as a whole, were down to a mere trickle at the end of August. It was no surprise therefore that Local Radio; Local Press, together with Local Councillors, all of whom do not get out much anymore, should go into a ‘feeding frenzy’, with news of this “Super Mattress Bonus Give-Away” announcement, taking place only during the month of September 2021.

Well actually folks, readers need to read the fine print, it is only happening on 3 days during September – note 3 dates, are Friday 10th; Friday 17th and Friday 24th.

This event is being lauded as part of Tipperary County Council’s new anti-dumping initiative, with the mattresses to be taken in free of charge at Civic Amenity sites, instead of at the normal costs of €20 for a double mattress and €18 for a single.

You will remember that previously, the council, had discussed equipping themselves with MQ-9 Reaper drones to identify and annihilate fly tippers. One hoped that sufficient training would be given to councillors, when R9-X variant missiles were being used, so as to avoid collateral damage to ordinary unemployed local civilians. [Well you saw what happened recently in landlocked Afghanistan.]

OK, let’s examine the logic of this great “Tipperary County Council “September Mattress Bonus Saver”.

Firstly Remember, Thurles is the only town in all of Co. Tipperary that does not have a Council Civic Amenity Site, despite the town currently having the second largest population in the county. (Estimated Population 10,000). The result is that Thurles residents must therefore use the facilities enjoyed by other more influential upmarket towns in Co. Tipperary.

Clonmel (Estimated Population 17,500) Civic Amenity Site: Mattresses accepted only on Friday, September 17th, 2021 only from 8:30am-12:30pm and 1:00pm-3:30pm at their Carrigeen facility, Business Park, Clonmel, Co. Tipperary.
The return trip to Thurles is 99 km taking approximately 90 min driving time.

Nenagh (Estimated Population 9,500) Civic Amenity Site: Mattresses accepted on Friday September 10th, 2021 only, from 8:30am-12:30pm and 1:00pm-3:30pm, at their Limerick Rd, facility, Stereame, Nenagh, Co. Tipperary.
The return trip to Thurles town is 80km taking approximately 80 min driving time.

Roscrea (Estimated Population 5,500) Civic Amenity Site: Mattresses accepted also on Friday September 10th, 2021 only from 8:30am-12:30pm and 1:00pm-3:30pm at their Roscrea Civic Amenity Site, on Dublin Road, Roscrea, Co. Tipperary.
The return trip to Thurles is 70km, taking approximately 80 min driving time.

Donohill Tipperary (Estimated Population 5,500) Civic Amenity Site: Mattresses accepted only on Friday September 24th, 2021, from 8:30am-12:30pm and 1:00pm-3:30pm at their Garryshane facility. Donohill, Co. Tipperary.
The return trip to Thurles is 70 km, taking approximately 75min driving time.

And finally, Cashel (Estimated Population 4,500) Civic Amenity Site: Mattresses accepted only on Friday September 24th, 2021, only from 8:30am-12:30pm and 1:00pm-3:30pm at their Wallers’ Lot facility Clonmel Road, Cashel, Co. Tipperary.
The return trip to Thurles is 50 km, taking approximately 45 min driving time.

Mattress Transport:
Since double or indeed single spring or memory foam mattresses will not fit in most motor vehicles; a van or trailer is actually required to transport your mattress.

Then the first three questions that you need to ask yourself is:- (1) “Do I own a car or is the husband or wife gone to Dublin to work, using it”? (2) “Have I got a hitch on my car”?, and finally (3) “Do I hold a licence to tow a trailer”?

With Irish Amazon’s ‘fulfilment centre’, set to create 500 jobs, no longer coming to the Munster Hotel area in Thurles, thanks to useless self-promoting and nest feathering politicians, can the man or woman in your life inform their Dublin employer that “I need to take Friday off, to get rid of a badly stained double or single (or both), mattress“?

[Of course if you work in the Public Service, you should be OK. Unlike every other employment in our State you will be allowed, without question, to “pull a 3 day sicky” a couple of times each year, without a request for a medical practitioner‘s cert.]

Since we are informed that a maximum of 4 mattresses are only allowed per customer, how will they know that 4 mattresses were not brought to more than one Civic Amenity facility?

Will the neighbouring counties of Waterford, Cork, Limerick, Offaly, Laois, Galway and Kilkenny, jump at the opportunity to suddenly traverse our badly defended borders, using false addresses and spreading the Covid-19 virus, in their effort to rid themselves of their smudged, splattered and urine blemished mattresses?

Assuming that you now use one of the many individuals currently licenced to operate a “material recovery business”, (latter businesses of which there are many in Thurles), a brief check today confirms that one double mattress and one single, cost €40 in transport costs.

Now, I can see why people wait until after dark to dump their trash out in the wilds of Templetuohy bog; in Littleton bog or here in Thurles on the “Double Ditch”, before then setting it alight to avoid detection through letters and other paper being accidentally included; thus causing “Wild Fires”.

However, what now leaves me suffering from cold sweats late at night, is the thought that the back office individual who dreamed up this great ‘Tipperary Council Super Bonus Giveaway’, could actually get elevated to a higher station, when their next annual increment is given the “nod and the wink”.

Thurles Humour

Yesterday, former model and newly married Thurles desperate housewife, Mrs Britney Ryan accompanied her rather peaky-looking husband, Tyler Ryan (Casey), to the local doctor’s office.

After the doctor had completed his check up, he asked Britney to remain in his office alone. Sitting her down, he informed her, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder and if you don’t follow my instructions carefully and precisely, I am afraid your husband won’t see next Christmas”.

“What should I do then”, asked Britney

“To avoid this” continued the doctor “He needs building up. Each morning fix him up with perhaps a Raspberry and Apple or a Kale smoothie, followed by a healthy full Irish breakfast. Try to be pleasant and cheerful at all times, no matter what happens.”

“For lunch” said the doctor “May I suggest perhaps something like a Rainbow Chopped Salad tossed with a lemony herbed Greek yogurt dressing, or Curried spinach & lentil soup followed by Fresh Spring Rolls. Maybe some Green Pesto Minestrone, followed by a small portion of Tikka Masala, might be another nutritious idea.

“But most of all it is important that you make sure you do not burden him with chores or DIY projects around the house” warned the doctor, “And even more important still, don’t discuss your own personal problems with him.

“And then of course there is dinner in the evening and again if I might suggest you vary his menu. Medium fillet steak with pan fried onions and a thick creamy mushroom sauce, or perhaps a Chicken Satay Salad, or King Prawns with Harissa Spaghetti, another alternative could be Fresh Salmon with a Thai noodle salad“, the doctor continued.

If you follow these rules for the next 6 months, I think your husband will be on the road to full recovery very soon. Bring him back in a month and we can assess his progress”

On the way home Tyler asked Britney “Well, what did the doctor have to say to you about my condition”.

“The doctor has confirmed you’re going to die before the month is out” replied Britney.

Thurles Humour.

Thurles resident, Paddy Alphonsus Murphy, called to the Department of Social Protection at Thurles, Co. Tipperary; his business to apply for his entitlement to a State Old Age Pension.

The lady behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license, explaining that she wished to verify his age. He began to search his pockets, before coming to the realization that he must have left his wallet in another jacket pocket.

Swearing under his breath, he apologised, informing the female welfare officer that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at his home. “Sure listen”, said Paddy, “I will have to go home and come back later in the afternoon.”

The woman said, “Sir, please unbutton your shirt.”

Thinking it was some sort of required medical examination, Paddy, somewhat confused, complied; opening his shirt to reveal a chest covered in curly silver hair.

“That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me”, said the lady officer, as she began to process his application.

When Paddy eventually gets home, he informs his wife Marge about the mornings happenings at the Thurles Social Welfare Office.

When he was finished extolling the virtues of the welfare officer, Marge remarked, “You should have dropped your trousers, she might have included Disability Benefit with your pension claim as well.”