The old priest lay dying, so he sent a message for the Local Tax Inspector and his Lawyer to come to his hospital bed.
When they both arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest weakly held out his hands and motioned for them both to sit on each side of his bed.
The priest grasped their hands; sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, all three men remained silent, still holding hands.
Both the Revenue Inspector and the Lawyer both felt flattered that this old man would ask them to be with him, during his final moments on earth. However, they were also puzzled because the priest had truly never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, “Father, why did you ask that the two of us should come here?” The old priest mustering all his strength, replied weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.”
A badly prepared student in an advanced Biology class was taking his mid-term exam. The last question on his paper, with a value of 70 marks, was causing a small problem.
It read: – ‘Name seven advantages for women who breast feed their babies.’
Our student was finding this question extremely difficult. However taking a gamble based on his more general knowledge he wrote as follows: –
(1)It is a perfect formula for the baby. (2)It provides immunity against certain diseases. (3)It is always at the right temperature. (4)It is inexpensive as food. (5)It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. (6)It is always available if and when required, even at a moments notice.
Now lost for his seventh reason the student thought for awhile. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of his exam, he quickly scrawled: –
(7)It comes in two attractive containers and it is high enough off the ground, where the cat can’t get it.
It was half past seven and myself and Mikey Ryan were above in the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, Thurles, about to order our last beer, before the 8:00pm curfew.
“Pat please, when you are ready, we’ll have two bottles of Corona”, said Mikey, “but hold back on the virus”.
“I’ll tell you this for a serious fact”, said Mikey, “while the Irish government are worried about that Dr Tony Holohan guy staging a medical coup presently, that same boyo knows what he is talking about”.
“Everyone should be forced to wear face masks alright, if that what your hinting at,” said I, “that practise can definitely save lives”.
“Last night”, Mikey lowered his voice to a whisper, “I took the girlfriend “Hot Hazel” in here for a drink. Sure you know Hot Hazel don’t you?” he queried.
“Not intimately”, said I, “but I ask you who would have thought that the phrase normally attributed to her, i.e “I wouldn’t touch her with a 6-foot pole” would have become the national health policy, here in Ireland; but there you go”.
“Well on the way in” continued Mikey, “didn’t I go passed the wife; she was over in the left hand corner, inside the door wasting more money on a girls feckin night out. Thankfully she didn’t recognise me. Wearing that mask, I tell you, definitely saved my life”.
Said I, “Talking of pandemics, didn’t I purchased a world map last Saturday in Eason’s book shop, in the Thurles Shopping Centre. I said to my Missus, when this pandemic is over let fate and PUP payments decide where we will go on holidays. Then I gave her one of my darts. Throw this said I and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you”.
“Great idea”, said Mikey, “So where are ye going”.
“Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge”, said I, “unless I let her throw another dart”.
“Let’s go before Pat starts shouting time”, said I. “Happy New Year to you.”.
Myself and Mikey Ryan were above in The Arch Bar and Mikey was scanning a local newspaper with the front page heading stating “Tipperary TD Under Investigation For Breaching His Own GDPR”.
“General Data Protection Regulation” said I, glad to be the scholarly source providing expert and legitimate information in our regular attended licenced hostelry.
“It’s the toughest privacy and security law in the world, drafted by none other than the European Union itself”, I continued, “Why do you ask?“
“Sure it’s all here in the local paper”, said Mikey. “Were you not down at the Friday night retirement dinner for local parish priest Fr Tadgh Willis, last month?” asked Mikey.
“Never mind newspapers, sure paper never refused ink, and to answer your direct question, sure I wasn’t invited to that same event”, said I.
“Neither was I”, said Mikey, “but herself dragged me along, claiming that it was obviously an oversight by the organising committee.”
“I remember hearing Fr Willis was being honoured on his retirement with a dinner, alright, after spending 25 years here in the parish, alright”, said I.
“Correct”, said Mikey, “and a leading local politician, no names, no court marshals, latter a regular attender of funerals and other large congregational gatherings had been chosen to give the toast and to make the presentation, accompanied by that inevitable half hour short speech”.
Alas, according to Mikey, our local politician had gotten slightly delayed by important business in Dáil Éireann on that same Friday evening, so Fr Tadgh was instructed to go ahead and say his own few words, while the guests awaited the politicians arrival.
Mikey closed his eyes, as if in an effort to recall the events of that same evening,” If I remember correctly, Fr Tadgh began …… Ladies and Gentlemen, Reverend Sister, I got my first impression of this Thurles parish from the first confession I ever heard here, some 25 years ago, or so I first thought. Indeed, I was convinced the Bishop had assigned me to a post in the most sin-ridden place in Ireland. I remember well the very first person who entered my confessional, who admitted to a litany of serious discretions, e.g. he had stolen a television set; and when questioned by the Gardaí, managed to confuse his investigators; had stolen money from his parents; embezzled his then employer; had an affair with a colleague’s wife; had sex with their 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs when drunk; was arrested several times for public nudity and finally infected his sister-in-law with VD. As you can understand, I was naturally appalled that one man could commit so many awful unchristian acts against his fellow man. However, as the days went on, I learned that my Church-going congregation were not all like him and I had, in fact, come to reside in a fine Christian parish full of good, generous and loving people.”
“Just as the priest finished his prepared speech and sat down, didn’t the local politician arrive, full of apologies for being late”, said Mikey, “and immediately set about making the community presentation, before giving his spiel”. “I’ll never forget”, said he, according to Mikey, “the very first day our parish Priest arrived in Thurles. In fact, I had the great honour of being the very first person to visit him in his confessional.”
“So now we know why, over the past few weeks, Tipperary politicians can be observed arsing around the town of Thurles on a Friday, instead of attending to business in Dáil Éireann”, said I, “they don’t want to be late for any Friday community events in the future, which might lead to accidental breaches of GDPR”.
“Correct”, said Mikey, “Two more of the same again, Pat, when you’re ready, and two helpings of Hickory Glazed BBQ’d chicken, no rush”.
“Well Mikey any news”, said I, as Mikey Ryan and myself wended our way through the continuous maize of plastic road fencing on Liberty Square, Thurles, in an effort to find the front door of The Arch Bar.
The Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles, Co. Tipperary.
“Not so much as a morsel happening locally, all’s quiet,” replied Mikey.
“I suppose all the talk at the moment, everywhere, is focused on Cop26 in Scotland; global warming, and the cutting of greenhouse gas emissions by insulating 500,000 homes by 2030“, said I.
“Too right you are”, said Mikey, “I have been calling for this government to insulate my house for years. Only last night Juicy Lucy, you know the one with the big you know what’s”, he gesticulated, in a curvilinear motion, chest high; “that’s living next door to me”
“I do of course” said I, “sure everyone knows the lovely Lucy”.
“Well she was talking over the fence to her-indoors last night”, said Mikey. Last year, the wife was telling me, she replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-glazed energy efficient variety, and this morning, she got a call from the contractor who installed them. “It seems”, said Mikey, “he was complaining that the installation work, which had been fully completed a whole year ago, hadn’t been yet paid for”, said Mikey. “Hellloooo” she supposedly said, “just because I’m good looking doesn’t mean that I am totally stupid”, continued Mikey.
“I don’t believe it”, said I
“True as God”, said Mikey “she, told him in no uncertain terms, just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year”.
“What was that”, said I.
“From what I can gather”, said Mikey, “she claims that he told her that; and I quote:- “In just ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves.”
“Helllooooo? The year is now up”, Lucy supposedly told the contractor”, that’s according to Mikey, “and now you expect to be paid twice. She swears there was only silence followed by fast heavy breathing at the other end of the phone, so she finally just hung up and he never called her back; she reckons he felt like a right eejit”, continued Mikey.
“Two Paddy and a drop of water Pat”, said I, “when you’re ready please; faith Mikey tonight you can feel winter temperatures approaching, you would want your house insulated”.
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