“Wouldn’t you think Thurles Municipal District Council would introduce cycle lanes here on Liberty Square?” said I to Mikey Ryan. “With ‘foot-fall’ almost non existent, might ‘cycle-fall’ be a good idea”.
We were above at the Thurles Music festival in Liberty Square, Thurles listening to that Tribute Band “AᗺBA“, but Mikey appeared to be preoccupied, staring at a blonde lady, dressed; for all intents and purposes, in a bra and tights.
After giving Mikey a dart in the ribs with my elbow, I repeated the question. “Oh sorry there”, said Mikey, “I was miles away”, (then in a lower tone), but I swear I went out a few times with that girl’s mother”.
“Now to answer your question the one word that immediately comes to mind is NO“ said Mikey, “most definitely not. This is more of that Green Party propaganda, being put out there in an effort to increase unemployment; destroy the Irish Republic’s overall economy and adding not a whit to the country’s gross domestic product.”
“Let’s be totally honest here”, continued Mikeynow in full rant, “Cyclists don’t buy motor cars. They don’t borrow money from Thurles Credit Union to buy motorised vehicles. Cyclists don’t pay car insurance or road tax. They don’t buy petrol or diesel fuel, don’t go out to Tom Harold in Two-Mile- Borris, to have their vehicle properly serviced, or indeed crash repaired.
“Tell me then”, said I, “why have we erected all those chrome “Sheffield Toast Bike Racks” on both sides of the Square?“
“Forget the Toast Bike Racks” , said Mikey, “Worst of all these cyclists types don’t pay for street parking, hence reductions in the salaries of local councillors and their officials. Cyclists don’t even need multi-lane highways, charging hefty tolls.”
“Be jasus, I never thought of it that way Mikey”, said I.
“And I’ll tell you what’s more”, Mikey continued, “them cyclists, by their very nature of riding bicycles, usually remain fitter, healthier individuals, than car drivers, hence they don’t buy medicine; don’t visit doctors surgeries or clog up waiting rooms and trolleys in Limerick University Hospital.
Mikey’s rant continued, akin to a €3k a week, paid Sinn Féin politician, during question time in Dáil Éireann.
“And talking about health, do you see all those chip & burger joints here on Liberty Square? They create untold employment. They will, hopefully, in the foreseeable future automatically, by their very existance, create highly paid posts in the Health Service Executive for Specialists like Cardiologists, Dietitians, Nurses, Junior Doctors and Nutritionists. “Change your way of thinking now”, said Mikey, “cycle lanes won’t put bread and butter on the table of Thurles businesses, either now or in the years ahead”.
“Still”, said I, “I think Thurles needs cycle-fall as well as foot-fall on Liberty Square, before all we have are out-of-town supermarkets”.
“Shut your face and listen to Agnetha Fältskog”, said Mikey, “Boy wasn’t she top of my ‘to do’ list in me younger days”.
“I see you are checking the situations vacant columns again Mikey”, said I, as I joined Mikey Ryan in the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, Thurles this dinnertime.
“I’ll tell you this and I’ll tell you no more”, said Mikey Ryan, “but didn’t I see advertised in the local paper, last week, the perfect job for any unemployed person and with absolutely no training deemed necessary“.
“And what job was that”, said I.
“WANTED one bikini waxers assistant”, said Mikey. He continued, “All you had to do was to assist in the removal of underwear and then to rub soothing, scented oil over the waxed area, after the waxing procedure was complete”.
“Well did you apply for the job”, said I.
“No point”, said Mikey, “When I asked a member of staff at the Thurles Social Welfare office, she said I had to go to Dunfanaghy, Co. Donegal”.
“Why is that where the job was being offered?” said I, “It would be a long way to commute from Thurles, every morning, especially with the current price of petrol”, I continued.
“No it wasn’t that at all” said Mikey, “The job is here in Liberty Square, in Thurles, the Social welfare assistant assured me; but Dunfanaghy, Co. Donegal was where the back of the fecking queue was currently; waiting to be interviewed!
Keep this to yourselves, but I heard this, (same related to me in the strictest confidence, by Mikey Ryan), last night, over a few pints in the Arch Bar.
It seems Mikey was over spraying red oxide paint on Paddy Kavanagh’s hay-barn in the Horse & Jockey last week. While up on top of a cherry picker, he happened to look down to see Paddy dancing naked in front of his tractor.
“What in the name of God are you doing dancing in the nude at this early hour Paddy”, yelled Mikey.
Surprised at being found in a compromising position, Paddy looked up “Herself and I have been having some marital problems lately”, he confessed in a dower tone, “and our marriage guidance councillor has recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor”.
As we are all aware a nightmare is really just a most unpleasant dream that causes strong emotional responses from our minds. Not only does it cause, typically, great fear, but also often great despair, anxiety and even inordinate sadness.
Well between ourselves, and please let this conversation go no further; I had a nightmare last night that left me waking up, drenched in sweat, while shouting “Jackie, where is the half million Euros”.
Massive hole continues to grow on Friar Street in Thurles, Co. Tipperary.
From what I can still clearly recall, there was a massive hole in the street at Bowes Corner on Friar Street here in Thurles; that was causing a lot of accidents, damage to vehicles and worst of all, deaths.
The Cathaoirleach of Thurles Municipal District Council held an emergency meeting with the more intelligent people on the council, to discuss a possible solution to this most worrying of developments.
One councillor suggested parking an ambulance next to the hole, so that whenever any such accident occurred in the future, the victim could be quickly transported to our majorly overcrowded University Hospital in Limerick, to repose on a trolley, possibly reducing at least a few of the rising fatalities.
Another councillor suggested that there could be a scenario on any GAA match days, where a multiple collision could occur, thus while one ambulance is busy transporting a victim on the 90 mile round trip to Limerick, other victims would be left stretched on our dodgy footpaths. He suggested putting ten ambulances near the hole instead of just one.
A third councillor wisely interrupted and raised his concerns about the prices of petrol and wages for paramedics; pointing out that building a new hospital, next to the hole, would actually cost less in the long term.
Yet another councillor suggested that the assembly were being over dramatic, and with the poor quality of hurling emerging from Tipperary clubs this season, the idea of multiple collisions was the “stuff of unnecessary panic”.
To avoid a plenary session, which would have allowed councillors to spend time working in smaller groups and taking an informal approach to problem solving, with lateral thinking; the Cathaoirleach of the Thurles Municipal District Council interrupted his convened assembly. He tells them that such solutions are all far too expensive, and instead he suggests that the hole be filled-in immediately and another one dug in front of Limerick hospital to save money.
With no chance of sleep now returning to my weary bones and with the sun coming up over the ridge of Killough Hill, I quickly took a cold shower, got dressed and headed with all haste for Bowe’s Corner.
Yes, thanks be to the Almighty God, I can now confirm it was all a complete nightmare. The nine month old crater still remains fully intact and getting bigger by the day.
Ah, sure I’ll have to stop eating and exercising just before bedtime and avoid those naps in the middle of the day.
I was forced to travel on foot this evening, down through Liberty Square, here in Thurles, Co. Tipperary.
Yes, this is the same Liberty Square that received a “circumferential (360°) tummy tuck” at an overall cost of between €9m & €12m, over the past 3 years, which in the process successfully destroyed every business in the town centre, leaving it naked of any real footfall.
The local municipal district council are keeping the actual overall cost of this 50% upgrade, close to their chests, until they get around eventually to finishing the other half.
The first thing that struck me as I strolled along, was the strong smell of hydrogen sulphide in today’s escaping sewer gas. I asked a few people could they smell anything unusual. One of their replies informed me that I was obviously driving through town in the past number of weeks, with my car windows closed.
I asked where it was coming from and one person suggested it was the wind coming south west from the Thurles sewage plant. Another one suggested I ask contractor Messrs Walsh, whom they stated had to rip up some of their upgraded pavements, because of a reported collapsed pipe. Either way this problem will no doubt be dealt with sometime before the next General Election, in possibly February 2025, if not before.
Actually, what really attracted me, positioned, as it is, in the centre of this half upgraded new Liberty Square, was the last remaining antique looking, Victorian, iron signage still standing, situated just 50 metres from the Thurles Tourism Office. Having left my glasses at home I moved closer to peruse same signage more clearly. Starting at the top in English, I read the printed utterance we use here in Tipperary, as a greeting or acknowledgement of another’s arrival in the town; the word “WELCOME”.
Same was followed by the words “VISITOR INFORMATION”. (I tell you when Sinn Féin get to hear about this, the Russian Kalashnikov’s will come out. (Not one word of Irish to be seen – No“Fáilte”, – No“Eolas do chuairteoirí”)
As a reasonably fluent English speaker, I moved closer. No, nothing, despite the 7.50 centimeter lettering threatening to inform the visitor and despite it being so close to Thurles Tourism Office. As I examined the dreaded British post box faded red paint, I discovered that obviously someone had accidentally leaned against this sign’s thick, translucent, Perspex facade on some frosty night about 3 years ago, thus leaving it in its current demise.
One had hoped to find helpful information contained their-on, for the benefit of any straying tourists — info like “Nothing Left Here –Try Blarney 118km Further On”, or“Nothing Left Here –This Way To Dublin City 151km Further On“; with perhaps a sort of codicil in small print on other necessary helpful information, like “Warning Traveller: Beware of out-of-control youth gangs leaping from car to car in Dublin city centre”, or“Warning Traveller: Beware of Dublin cowardly youths continuing to attack random individuals leaving them suffering serious head injuries”.
[Actually between ourselves, I blame all this on that feckin Covid-19 vaccine, causing this sort of moronic behaviour in our Republic’s Capital City].
Anyway, I’m not worrying, when Fianna Fail TD Mr J. Cahill reads this; out will come the video crew to provide footage for his social media page. Hope in this case he can find the right area, unlike another video venue, which he failed to identify.
Politicians and powerless local councillors in Thurles and Co. Tipperary, for the moment at least, are enjoying the silence of their electorate, but for how long more is anyone’s guess.
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