Mikey Ryan Hasn’t Seen His Wife Since Sunday.

Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles.

I hear that Mikey Ryan is back in the wars again with the wife. I called into the Arch Bar, on Liberty Square in Thurles looking for him, but unusually for a Saturday, to no avail.

However, Pat the barman, with a knowing wink, said not to expect him out and about again for a few days.

I knew he had been forced to trade his building site for the Doctor’s surgery on Wednesday afternoon, two weeks ago. He was complaining of abdominal pain and bloating; symptoms rather akin to bad constipation.

On that same Wednesday night, however, he had informed me that the doctor had donned the plastic gloves and opened the lid on a new jar of Vaseline, before examining him carefully.

“Bend over the back of that desk chair”, said the Doc with a knowing nod.  A somewhat embarrassed Mikey had obeyed and imagine his surprise, when the doctor hit him with 3 or 4 heavy wallops on his arse with a baseball bat, before rushing him into the bathroom.

When the relieved, (in every sense), patient eventually emerged out of the Khazi, Mikey informed his doctor that he now felt truly great and inquired as to what had caused this initial problem. The doctor then explained, (but not before folding away his €65.00 fee), that Mikey should, in future, cease wiping his arse with empty cement bags.

So that little problem surely wasn’t the reason for Mikey’s absence. Just then came a brief lull in the business and Pat called me over to explain quietly Mikey’s current predicament, making me swear to keep it under my hat and not to impart anything to a solitary soul. Well he knows I am the soul of discretion when it comes to the imparting of personal information.

Well, it seems that Thursday two weeks ago was pay day, so instead of going home, Mikey had stayed out from that Thursday until the following Sunday with a couple of his mates, which in turn resulted in the spending of his entire wage packet.

When he eventually appeared back home on the Sunday night, he was confronted by an angry wife and through a hail of saliva, he was tongue lashed, for nearly two hours with verbal condemnation truly befitting his most recent activity. Baring her teeth, she demanded to know, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

It seems Mikey had replied, “That would be fair enough with me.”

The result was that Monday had gone by and he didn’t see his wife; Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, according to Pat, the swelling had subsided just enough so that he could see her out of the corner of his left eye.

“You can give me a pint and a chaser, so”, said I