Meagher’s Cat
“Begorrah, you’re starting early this morning Mickey”, said John, as he opened the front door of his well known licensed premises in Liberty Square, Thurles.
Mickey, darted through the open doorway, having first checked there was no one who had been watching his earlier period of loitering.
“What’s news today Mickey”, asked John, as he climbed to the far side of the bar counter.
“Give us a pint of lager and a half one in a hurry”, said Mikey. “Jasus I landed on me feet yesterday, didn’t I get a job as me incapacitated father-in-law’s Carer. Sure you remember Noel Meagher, he used to drink here all the time.
“Great stuff”, said John, believing that just maybe a solution to Mickey’s worrying ‘Bar Slate’ problem might be reaching a positive conclusion.
“Yea”, said Mickey, “Eight hours a day, seven days a week”, before gulping down his first pint, like a man close to critical dehydration.
“So what are you doing out of work here so early, at this hour of 11.00 bells”, asked John. “Put me up another pint there”, said Mickey, positioning himself behind the wide wooden bar pillar; placing him at least out of main view of the open bar window.
“Thank God I’m finished for the day”, said Mickey, “I’m off early because unlike other people I understand that work is all about time and motion; short time and even less motion, which can be easily achieved through the performance of careful planning. If the truth was known I should be planning Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil’s budget, for next Tuesday.”
“Explain”, said John. Mickey took another drink from his second pint, followed by a sip from his half one. “Better still, I’ll give you an example”, said Mickey adding more water to his Paddy Power.
“Me father-in-law Noel’s visiting District Nurse told me this morning that it might be a good idea if I found time to wash the toilet bowl and groom Noel’s dirty tom cat. So what did I do to speed things up? said Mickey
“Well”, continued Mickey, “Firstly I opened the front door of Noel’s house, ensuring that there were no humans between the bathroom and that outgoing exit. Then I lifted the lid of Noel’s toilet, before adding about a 1/8th of a cup of hair shampoo to the water in the bowl. Next I picked up Noel’s tom cat and carrying him towards the bathroom; making sure of course to soothe and gently talk to him. Next with one unexpected smooth movement, I put the tom cat into the toilet and closed down the lid with lightening speed.
“Now”, said Mickey, “Here’s is a good tip well worth remembering; you may need to stand on the toilet lid”.
The cat of course, in attempting to further play, will gently self agitate the water, making ample suds; Oh and never mind the noises that come from the toilet; because from my own personal and previous experience, the cat is actually enjoying itself. Next flush the toilet at least twice. This provides for a kind of ‘power-wash and rinse effect’.”
“That accomplished”, said Mickey, “Stand well behind the toilet, as far as you can, before quickly lifting the lid. Sure the cat will rocket, screaming as cats do most nights, out of the toilet; streak through the bathroom and head for the front door; like a primary student when the school bell rings at 3.00pm; where it will quickly dry itself off.”
“Two jobs done in half the time”, said Mickey “Both the commode and Noel Meagher’s tom cat will both be sparkling clean for at least another day or two. Now that’s real planning worthy of any government Minister for Finance.”
“By the way”, said Mikey, “Would you be interested in buying half a dozen 1 litre bottles of Harpic at half price, which, as far as the Health Service Executive are aware, have found themselves shall we say, ‘Surplus to Actual Requirements’; if you know what I mean.”
I just tried it George. It worked well for me. Thanks for the info.
I had something of a similar problem. The cat arrived home reeking of decomposition. Who knows what he was rolling in or crawling through?. Black congealed blood all over his head and body, reeking of stench. He was grand the day before, so whatever was on him, was not his. The question was, ‘how do I clean this cat without reducing my flesh to rashers?’. Phase one, remove everything from the shower. Phase two, open the bathroom window. Phase three, put a bar stool beside the shower door. Phase five pick up your fragrant kitty, stroking it assuringly as you carry it to the shower and in one swift movement schtick the cat into the shower and close the door. Stand on the bar stool. Reach over the top of the shower door and get the shower hose and turn on the shower. Hose the little darling until his natural colouring returns. He will not move while you are doing this as there is nowhere to go to and nothing he can climb up on. After the mission is complete and all is as it should be, gingerly (get it?) open the door of the shower. The cat will exit through the window in a rather rapid, brisk, and Ronnie Delaney fashion. Your skin will still be as beautiful and in one piece as it was when you started. Now I remember James Herriot (All Creatures Great and Small) told the story of a ‘lay’ veterinary showing cat owners how he castrated tom cats by first sticking their head first into a wellie…. I suggest this is not workable in our case as you can only wash the bottom half of the cat.
Cheers.
Tom.