Minister Announces New Instructions On Toilet Cleaning

It gets harder for town Councillors, like myself, to attract media attention these days, what with Leader Funding, Arts Council Grants, Lottery Funds and other preferential government slush funds now totally depleted for another year. Now with the long summer vacation coming to an end, I find myself heading for bed unable to sleep, so great is my concern for the current state of the Irish nation.

To add to this dilemma, the national installation of water meters, which began on August 9th last, at a cost to the tax payer of €539 million over the next three years, is now being forced on the Irish people by the Troika. I should point out the FineGael /Labour government, of which I remain a staunch advocate, is being forced into this unpardonable act, as indeed was attested to by the present Minister for the Environment, Community and Local Government.

The Minister himself, despite threats by right-wing fundamentalists, came out of hiding briefly today to attend a press conference in Buswells Hotel, Dublin; his aim to publish his new 10 point manifesto on how to reduce domestic water charges.
In compiling his new manifesto entitled “Splashing Cold Water On Recession 2015 ,” the minister thanked his 25 personal civil service advisor’s, all who assisted him in assembling this new major initiative document, published hereunder, I am delighted to say, exclusively for those who elected me in the last local election.

Toilet Cleaning Instructions. 

Save Irish Water Consumers Vast Teuro.  (Teuro is a slang term thought up by our German EU overlords  for Euro zone money and based on a play on the German word ‘teuer,’  latter meaning ‘expensive.’  Note also; words like “The brown envelope,” “dosh,” “loot,” “lolly,” “filthy Lucre,” “moolah,” “readies,” and “spondulicks” are now totally outdated and should no longer be used, by members loyal to the EU.)

Recommended Toilet Cleaning Initiative:

1. Ensure lid of toilet is in the open/upward hinged position before adding 1/4 cup of standard pet shampoo to liquid already existing in base of standard toilet bowl.
2. Choose and pick up one live cat (Variety Felis silvestris catus). If you are currently in mortgage arrears and therefore forbidden by your bank to buy cat food, borrow one of the ever increasing stray variety currently abandoned in your local community.
3. Soothe this lithe-bodied, round-headed, fissiped, carnivorous mammal into a false sense of security by gentle stroking fur underneath chin, while you take him/her in transit towards one of the many en suit scented bathrooms, proudly displayed in your current pre 2008 Irish residence.
4. In one swift, speedy movement, place the cat into the open toilet and with lightening speed close down lid.  Note: It may be necessary to sit or stand on the said toilet lid, depending on age and strength of animal now incarcerated.
5. In its playful attempts to escape, this trapped feline will automatically self agitate, thus making ample soapy suds.  The noises that come from the toilet should be totally ignored, as the cat, contrary to common belief, is actually enjoying this rather unusual first time experience.
6. When approx two minutes of time has elapsed, flush the toilet once.  This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse” effect to both toilet and enclosed animal.
7. Next have someone open the front door of your home, ensuring that there are no persons, particularly the elderly, disabled or underprivileged, positioned directly between your bathroom and the front door.
8. It is now important that those entrusted to carry out this cleansing operation should stand behind the toilet as far back as physically possible, before quickly releasing their tight grasp on the lid.
9. In most cases the cat will rocket out of the toilet, faster than an Irish serial paedophile rapist who has been released from Mountjoy jail after three days for good behaviour, having been previously adjudged incarcerated for ten years.  Felis silvestris catus will streak from your bathroom, reaching speeds which would normally result in a fixed-charge fine of €80 and 2 penalty points on your driving licence, before then running outside where this animal, totally unperturbed by this incident, will quickly lick itself dry again.
10. Both the toilet bowl (commode) and cat should remain sparkling clean for up to seven days, before this procedure will necessitate repetition.

The minister was quick to point out that this operation can bring about massive savings through the non purchase of further toilet brushes, while also saving up to 10 litres of your very valuable aqua.

When quizzed on issues in relation to possible cruelty to animals the minister stated he was not prepared to discuss problems which related to other ministers and their departments in government.

I was bathed in a lather of sweat, I can tell you, when I was awakened by the milk man making his early morning rounds. The wife blames that blue mouldy cheese which I continue to eat before bed, for my constant nocturnal dreams containing situations of danger, discomfort, psychological and physical terror, but you and I know it’s the heavy responsibility laid daily on my burdened shoulders, with regards to matters of state.