For the past 200 years, literary giants, world statesmen and legends of the silver screen have joined the millions of other tourists intent on kissing the Blarney Stone, thus gaining the gift of eloquent speech. The unrivalled power of this stone has been proven unquestionable as any visitors will confirm after they have leaned backwards, held by the ankles and lowered head first over the battlements of Blarney Castle. However this Blarney Stone is now to be removed from its current position and incorporated in the battlements of Dublin Castle, in time for ‘The Gathering 2013.’
At the time the announcement was made I believe I was having troubled thoughts about either the European Central Bank’s (ECB) insistence on the payment of the 3.1 billion promissory note, or maybe it was Olivia Mitchell TD’s resentment in having to pay property tax, which in turn she felt would be squandered to supply badly needed Footpaths, Dart Services, Public Transport & Street Lighting to the red-necked residents of rural Ireland.
Anyway, whatever my thoughts last night, I was quickly & without warning transported into the real cold light of day with the news announced by my favourite TV 3 Star & News Anchor, Thurles born & gorgeous Collette Fitzpatrick, as she interviewed the Minister for Arts, Heritage, Gaeltacht & gentle Kerry man, Mr Jimmy Deenihan, via her 9.00 news bulletin.
“Quite a few changes must now be made in advance of ‘The Gathering 2013,’ following our Cabinet Meeting last week, which discussed in great detail our government’s failure to create employment,” the Minister stated. “This was quite a disappointing meeting and some hard decisions had to be made,” continued Mr Deenihan. “There were 20 TD’s present round the cabinet table, three of which have no vote.
The Minister for Education and Skills, Mr Ruairi Quinn is trying to sack teachers, the Minister for the Environment, Community and Local Government Mr Phil Hogan is trying to sack local & county councillors, together with unnecessary office staff, the Minister for Health, Mr James Reilly is intent on reducing nurses and other staff in the HSE, the Minister for Justice and Equality, Mr Alan Shatter is attempting to remove 1,500 serving Gardaí and last, but by no means least, the Minister for Public Expenditure and Reform, Mr Brendan Howlin is attempting to get rid of 4,000 civil servants, so hard decisions were the order of the day,” went on Minister Deenihan.
The Minister for Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation Mr Richard Bruton stated that he had created one hundred new jobs in Limerick last week, with the €100m expansion of manufacturing operations at Vistakon, but when he got home he found over 300 jobs gone at HMV. To further add fuel to the fire Minister Phil Hogan had taken the “bread from the mouths,” of employees involved nationally in the Stationary & Office Equipment sector, latter caused by his insistence that public offices in each county, must now buy their blotting paper, pencils & photocopying paper from a central stationary company appointed by him.
“If that wasn’t bad enough,” stated Mr Shatter, “this new EU demand for improved security protection on Driving Licences had further placed the jobs of some 500 employees in the photography sector in jeopardy, not to mention placing a massive burden on struggling self employed photographers, who would now end up on social welfare payments, due to required identity photographs now being handed over to just one government appointed Body. Sure I am close to a mental breakdown,” stated Minister Shatter.
Minister Deenihan then went on to say; “That left only 12 of us to come up with ideas and we have now decided in the interest of the voting public to move the Blarney Stone in Cork to Dublin Castle, solely in the interests of safety & security.” (A bit like the Derrynaflan Chalice, I remember thinking at that time.)
Mr Deenihan stated also that ‘Fungi,’ the Dolphin would be now moved as soon as possible from Dingle to Dublin Zoo in case of water pollution from Phil Hogan’s septic tanks, the 5000 year old Passage Tomb at New Grange would be moved to St Stephens Green, Dublin, thus giving much needed employment to the ailing construction industry sector, while ‘The Giants Causeway,’ may now be moved to Dublin Bay by the Office of Public Works (OPW), as part of future ongoing Cross Border Co-Operation.
Meanwhile, An Taoiseach Mr Enda Kenny stated he would be having talks very soon with the Egyptian Government and was hopeful that at least one of ‘The Pyramids,’ could be moved to the Phoenix Park, hopefully, as he was careful to point out, without effecting any reduction on Egypt’s tourism trade.
It was the sudden fall from my bed that awoke me from my troubling nightmare. To say my heart was racing & my new Christmas pyjamas were soaking in sweat would be an understatement. Still it had been just a weird dream, obviously brought on by thoughts of TD Olivia Mitchell. Sure who, in God’s name and in their right minds, would remove artefacts, which could bring a strong tourist trade from Ireland’s Gateways to historical locations like the Boyne Valley, Dingle & Blarney?
No, now that you ask, I haven’t received a reply to my open letter forwarded to Jimmy Deenihan by Leo Varadkar or indeed from North Tipperary elected TD Alan Kelly, latter always so anxious to demonstrate his political ability and quick to influence the return of such items as the Derrynaflan Chalice to their rightful home here in Thurles.
Not to worry, I have promised myself never again to eat any more of that cursed French blue cheese, well prior to bedtime anyway & forgive me but I must now go in search of some dry pyjamas.
In the words of St Matthew’s Gospel: “To what can I compare this generation? They are like children sitting in the marketplaces and calling out to others: He who has ears, let him hear.“
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