Mikey Ryan Convinced Tipperary In A Terrible State O’ Chassis.

True for Sean O’Casey’s character ‘Captain Boyle’ in ‘Juno and the Paycock’, quote “Th’ whole county of Tipperary is in a terrible state o’ chassis”, said Mikey Ryan.
Mikey had just finished reading a copy of one of the local rag newspapers, which he had pulled from behind the counter, when I caught up with him, after his 4th pint of the evening, in The Arch Bar, Liberty Square.

“I believe his phrase was Th’ whole world’s in a terrible state o’ chassis”, said I, sounding intelligent.

“Same difference”, said Mikey.

“Ah to be fair, Tipperary was the only county in Ireland to show a decrease in the numbers on the Live Register in the last 12 months”, said I, “with an overall drop of some 1%”.

“What that figure really represent is 1% of our residents, anxious to seek work, eventually took the hint and moved overseas”, said Mikey, “Why do you think they’ve sprayed the graffiti image of a Swallow on our town’s cark park wall? They are hoping that the same 1% will come back like the swallows next summer on holidays, and prop up Fáilte Ireland’s imaginary tourist figures. One wonders why we continue to pay Mick Lowry and Jackie Cahill salaries of 2 million Euro’s, including expenses, every 5 year period, despite their consistent inadequacy in producing even one single job in Thurles, during their lengthy period in office”, Mikey continued.

“No argument there Mikey”, said I, “but then that doesn’t stop them from regularly demonstrating their delusions of adequacy.
Anyway, tell us this and tell us no more, did you ever think of emigrating yourself Mikey” I continued.

“Several times” said Mikey, “I wanted to move to Australia once, but the immigration officer started asking awkward questions. Have you any criminal convictions? says he. Sure I, as an Irishman wasn’t to know that crime was still an Australian requirement for immigrants, after Michael Collins had helped the British to escape out of this country”.

“I never told you this before”, continued Mikey, “but I tried to get a visa for America, earlier this year. The immigration official asked where was I hoping to go, and when I said San Jose, Northern California before the immigration officer corrected me saying that San Jose was pronounced ‘San Hose’; It seems their ‘J’ is pronounced as a ‘H’.
“So how long do you intend staying in San Hose?” says he. “In my efforts” said I “to impress, I said six months; from Hanuary to Hune.
“Then”, said Mikey, “sure in filling out the immigration form I was asked “Sex“. I tried to answer truthfully, as I had already ticked the ‘married‘ box, so I wrote ‘just occasionally’.
Then while I was there in the immigration office, disaster, didn’t I interrupt the interviewing officer, who was answering his mobile phone, informing him that “They should be shipped back where they came from, as they have a tendency to cause explosions”.
The illegitimate son of a b..ch accused me of being racist and was about to call security, before I eventually persuaded him, that I was referring to the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone, he was using.
Still he wrote me a lovely letter a few days later, stating that my visa was denied on the grounds of fears that the level of the current IQ, present in ‘San Hose’ would double”.

“Tell me this Mikey”, said I, “is Thurles the only town in the world not suffering from a severe energy crisis?”

“Indeed it appears so” said Mikey, “sure aren’t 57 street lights burning currently in Thurles town, during day light hours, and for the last 4 months. Yet, a senior Tipperary council official has been urging community and business groups elsewhere in the county, to reduce the hours that Christmas lights are left turned on during the forthcoming festive season, (Note: only another 11 Saturdays left until Xmas Eve), as energy costs continue to soar. Thank God the Director of Services Mr Brian Beck doesn’t get up as far as Thurles or he would really “blow a fuse”, Mikey ranted on.

“When you’re ready Pat, you can give Mikey another pint,” said I, “we’ll be walking home every night from now on, since they’ve tripled the width of Thurles town pavements”.