“Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer and another one.”
An Irish Wish On St. Patrick’s Day.
“Are you going to view the Thurles St. Patricks Day Parade tomorrow”, said I to Mikey Ryan last night, above in the Arch Bar.
“Damned if I’ll bother”, said Mikey, “When you see one you’ll have seen them all”.
“Still the marching bands can be good”, said I “Sure, you know I’ve always wondered why bagpipe players always walk when they are playing?”.
“Sure, that’s an easy one”, said Mikey, “Isn’t it the case that moving targets are much harder to hit. Now what intrigues me is how do they feckin know when their infernal bagpipes need tuning?”
“So, what will you get up to tomorrow, Saturday March 17th, if you are not watching the Parade”, said I.
“I’m thinking of hitting down to Thurles Golf Club”, said Mikey. “That’s of course if I can escape from herself.”
“And how are things at home at the moment “, said I, not wanting to appear over inquisitive.
“Eh, pour me a stiff one, there Pat and one for himself”, said Mikey pointing to me, before announcing he had just had another tiff with “the little woman”, as he affectionately calls her.
“Oh yeah”, said I. “And how did this one end?”
“Well I’ll tell you when it was over”, Mikey replied, “Herself came to me on her hands and knees, so she did”.
“You don’t say?” said I intrigued, “Now that’s a change for the books! So, what did she say?”.
“Oh, she said something like come out from under that bed, you gutless little fecker, or words similar”, replied Mikey, his tone indicating a reluctance to further discuss the matter.
“You know”, said Mikey changing the subject, “Talking about St Patrick’s Day; there used to a leprechaun living in the woodland, near to the 16th hole on Thurles Golf course”.
“Go away with you now”, said I, “Sure there are no such things as leprechauns.”
“I’ve heard for a fact, that you are very wrong”, said Mikey, who continued, while lowering his voice to a whisper.
For what it’s worth, Mikey confirmed that he had been reliably informed that on one day while on Thurles Golf course, a guy was out golfing at the 16th hole. He tees up and strikes the ball, but unfortunately, doesn’t it go into the wooded area over there on the side of the fairway. So, he goes looking for his ball, as one does. Immediately he comes across a little guy with wild red hair and a shaggy red beard, stretched on the ground, bearing a massive lump on his forehead. A golf ball lay close to his discarded green banded hat.
My Goodness, says a now worried golfer, who proceeds to attempt to revive the injured little guy, who is wearing green knee-length trousers and shoes with giant buckles. Upon awaking, this little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a Luchorpán, but if you let me go right now I’ll grant you three wishes.”
The golfer says ” Sure I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t kill you, please I would be glad if you didn’t go looking for medical compensation”, and he walked quickly away.
Watching the golfer depart, the Luchorpán says, “Well, that fellow that caught me was decent, so I’ll do something for him. I’ll give him the usual three wishes that most men would want. Sure, I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golfing future, and a long sex life.”
Just this week, and almost a month later, that same golfer was out golfing on the Thurles course and again at the 16th hole, he hits the small white ball into the same woodland and was forced to go off looking for it. When he finds the ball, on the way back he spots a small, little guy, dressed in green, tapping away with a hammer on a three-sided shoe last, in true ‘leath bhrogan’ (Shoemaker) fashion’.
“How are you doing”, the golfer asks.
“I’m fine”, the leprechaun replies, “And might I ask how your golf game is presently?”
The golfer says, “Begod it’s great! I hitting under par every time.”
The leprechaun knowingly nods his head, “I did that for you. And might I ask you now, how is your money holding out?”
The golfer looked at him, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a €50 note.”
The leprechaun smiles and said, “I did that for you as well. And might I ask”, the luchorpán lowered his voice, “now that we are talking, how is your sex life?”
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and also in a low tone stated, “Well, between you and me, maybe once or twice a week.”
The leprechaun appeared disappointed, “Once or twice a week”, he queried? “Is that all?!”
The golfer looks at him in amazement, “Well, I would consider that to be something of a record for a priest residing in a very small parish”.
Mikey raised his glass, “May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks. May your heart be as light as a song. May each day bring you bright, happy hours that stay with you all the year long. A happy St Patrick’s Day to you.”
“You know”, said Mikey in an afterthought, “Like the man said, there are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy”.
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