We were above in the Arch Bar, in Liberty Square, Thurles last night, trying to solve the world’s problems as we occasionally do. (For God’s sake don’t mention the two black eyes.)
“Give us two good pints there Pat, when you get a minute”, said I.
“Bejasus, the whole world went to the bad this week”, said Mikey Ryan, “First there was that tragic shooting in Florida. Just imagine you only have to be aged 18 to buy an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle in the USA, while you have to be aged 21 in the same country to buy a can of Coors Light, specially cooled in the Rocky Mountains, using Rocky Mountain spring water”.
“Then there were all those unfortunate film stars who came out complaining about being sexual harassed, as they climbed that rickety ladder of success”, he sympathetically stated.
Mikey ranted on, “And if that wasn’t bad enough Varadkar launches his spending splurge on infrastructure; The Dublin Development Plan – Project Dublin 2040.”
“It’s bloody peculiar all right”, said I. “Still wouldn’t it be great if President Trump came over golfing here to Co. Tipperary and recognised Thurles as Ireland’s Capital, instead of Dublin, just like he did with Tel Aviv and Jerusalem in Israel.
“Personally, I would be more worried for the farming community because of this feckin Brexit”, said I, “Sure God only knows what will happen into the future, if fears expressed by the Tipperary farming community are anyway accurate”.
“Oh, begod we needn’t worry”, said Mikey, “Sure farmers always have the ‘poor mouth’. A farmer over from Ballywinterrourkewood, in Co. Limerick was telling me, at Thurles Mart on Monday, that farmers; unlike heretofore, will be charging in future for every god dammed thing, in order to make sure that they can make ends meet and pay their overdue taxes”.
“And this claim”, confirmed Mikey, “Is further borne out by John Joe Brennan, who farms over in Holycross. He confided in me that a certain farmer over in Drombane (Actually ’twas Billy Moore, but no names – no court martial, if you know what I mean), knocked at his door just last week”.
Mikey continued; “His youngest lad, a boy aged 9, answered the half door”.
“Would your auld lad or auld one be at home?” asked our nameless dour faced, Drombane man.
“No, they went into Thurles town, there is a special 39 cent sale on milk, rhubarb and potatoes over in Aldi this week.” said the young lad.
“How about your brother, Ronaldo? Would he be around?” asked the visitor.
“No, sure he went with my auld lad and auld one, to get 10 slabs of cheap cider from Tesco”, replied the young lad.
Our now agitated Drombane visitor put the safety catch back on the Purdy ‘Over & Under’ shot gun and thought for a while, moving from one foot to the other like a cut cat; cursing under his breath.
“I know where all our farm implements are, if you want to rent something, or I can give me auld lad a message and get him to phone you”, volunteered the hardy nine-year-old.
“Well,” said the obviously annoyed Drombane farmer, “I was kinda hoping to talk to your auld lad up close and in person, like. You see it’s about that brother of yours, Ronaldo. He is after sticking my daughter, Coleen, up the proverbial”.
The nine-year-old thought for a brief moment; “Yes, you would have to talk to me auld lad about that. I know he charges €500 for the use of the Bull; €100 for the Boar, and €50 for the Billy Goat, but I don’t know how much he charges for me brother, Ronaldo.”
George. I can never stop laughing at these very amusing stories. I always thought I spoke our Irish language. But learning a lot more great saying’s from reading these Ryan stories. Another one for our notice board for the X-Pats. ‘We are going to the NSW Border to see ‘Murphy’s Pig’s. They are all ex-cops. And boy aren’t they great to listen to. I saw them at the Gaelic Football some time ago. Great musicians all of them. They play all types of instrument. And great Irish music.