Well known Thurles resident, Mr Mikey Ryan, was arrested last week, as he returned from a trout fishing expedition, on the banks of the river Suir, near Boherlahan, Holycross, Co. Tipperary.
Speeding in an old battered car and coming up to Holycross Bridge, a member of An Garda Síochána stepped out armed with a ‘Radar Speed Gun’ forcing Mickey to brake heavily and come to a screeching halt.
“Well Sir”, said the Garda, “Are you aware that you were travelling at 87km/h in an area designated as suitable only for speeds of 50km/h.
“Begorra, you actually know what speed I was going”, said Mikey, “Isn’t modern technology great”. The Garda stuck his head through the window sniffing for the possible presence of consumed alcohol on Mikey’s breath; however, all he got was the stench of his fish catch and rotting fish bait.
An image of two fat trout, freshly fried, began to materialised on the Garda’s inward eye. This illusion further grew to include a large side portion of grilled cabbage wedges with spicy lime dressing. His mouth watering at the possible prospect, so the young Garda decided to ‘chance his arm’, in the hope of organising a possible alternative to issuing Mikey with a hefty fine.
“It’s 4.00pm on a Wednesday, which leads me to believe, Sir, that you are currently unemployed”, stated the Garda, “Which in turn leads me to believe that you probably won’t be able pay the summons I am about to issue”.
“I’ve got a job”, said an indignant Mikey, “Now it wouldn’t pay as much as a those working in the public sector, but nevertheless it pays a great deal more than the minimum wage”.
“What job would that be”, asked the Garda in disbelief.
“I’m a professional 24 hour, round the clock, Rectum Stretcher”, said Mikey.
“What the hell is a rectum stretcher”, queried the Garda.
“Well”, said Mikey, “It’s simple; when consumers want my services, they call me to their homes and I attend at the stated time, to stretch rectums. Depending on their precise instructions I stretch some rectums six inches, others 12 inches, others two feet and a few as big as six feet even in length”.
“Six feet”, snorted the Garda, “What the hell would you do with a six-foot asshole?”
“That obvious surely”, said Mikey, “You give it a Radar Speed Gun and stick it at the end of Holycross bridge at 4.00pm on a Wednesday afternoon”.
Mikey is expected to be released from Portlaoise any day during the next three months.
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