Ireland
Basically I am seriously fed up today here in Thurles. People keep asking me why I didn’t decide to throw my hat into the ring, with a chance to win the first prize of almost €250.000 plus €317, 434 annual expenses. First I thought they were referring to a possible share in the National Lottery, but no, I found out later they were referring to the “Race to the Áras” more often referred to as “The Irish Presidential Election,” due to be held on Thursday, 27th October 2011.
Now please don’t spread this around locally, but truth is, despite the poor pay and overall lousy working conditions, I did seriously considered applying for the post. However having weighed all the pros and cons, (Particularly the cons.) I decided I didn’t stand a chance of winning with this €400,000 a ticket lottery, of which 50% is being paid by less than intelligent taxpayers.
Well you are all not totally stupid, look at my opposition for God’s sake. I have never killed innocent women and children as a member of an illegal organisation, unlike Martin McGuinness’s IRA, so no Sinn Fein votes for me. Fianna Fáil had already put in place their “Secret 007 Undercover Agent,” Séan Gallagher, so no votes from there either. Unlike Dana, my brief singing career begun in the late 60’s, brought my small audiences literally to tears, (in the true sense I mean). My inability to write, mainly due to free education, let alone write letters seeking clemency on behalf of a man charged with the statutory rape of a 15-year-old Palestinian boy, meant that David Norris would wipe the floor with me. I had no worries at all about Mickey Higgins and Gabriel Mitchell, as I reckoned they would be a pushover. Now while I specialise in social entrepreneurship and am a strong unpaid disability rights campaigner on a regular basis, for some strange and unknown reason I have never been co-opted to any State Boards as yet, unlike Molly Davis.
Having thought it all over then very carefully, I decided to discuss the matter with my director of elections for many years, Michael. Michael a regular commenter on Thurles.Info, as usual put me to thinking straight immediately. “I am going to extol to you the parable of the body politic” said he with his usual knowing nod.
“Think of it like this,” said he, slowly and knowingly sucking on his pipe, “all the organs of the body are having a meeting, trying to decide who is the one to be in charge.”
“I should be in charge,” said the Brain, “because I administer all the body’s systems, so without me nothing could happen.”
“No I should be in charge,” said the Blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away.”
“No I should be in charge,” said the Stomach, “because I process the food that gives all of you lots of necessary energy.”
“You lot are joking, I should be in charge,” said the Legs, “don’t I carry the whole body everyday, wherever it needs to go.”
“I should be in charge,” said the Eyes, “because I allow the body to see where it goes.”
“I should be in charge,” said the Rectum, “because I’m responsible for all recycling and waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the Rectum and insulted him, so taking the attitude of over worked nurses recently in Limerick Regional Hospital, he shut down part of his daily duties for a couple of afternoons.
Within minutes, the Brain began to suffer from terrible headaches, the Stomach became bloated, the Legs got weak and wobbly, the Eyes became blurred and watery, and the Blood became toxic.
Following a series of Body Social Partnership meetings to discuss the current situation, the assembled group, led by their union representatives, all decided that the Rectum should be elected as the boss.
“What is the moral of this story you might ask? ” said Michael. “Its very simple, here in Ireland an Anus or Rectum usually wins any positions of power.”
Dear God, what would I ever do without you Michael, sure you speak the tongue of the common man.
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