Death Notice
John Joe opened the Tipperary Star newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. So he quickly phoned his best friend Dick to allay any rumours.
“Did you see the paper?” asked John Joe. “They are saying I died!!”
“Yes, I saw that!” replied Dick. “Where are you callin’ from?”
Laughter
Mysterious Death
His wife had died under mysterious circumstances and the police were interviewing Murphy.
“Did your wife say anything before she died?” asked the Police Man.
“She spoke without interruption, non stop, for about forty years,” said Murphy.
Medicine
The young Thurles Doctor was puzzled, “I’m very sorry but I can’t seem to diagnose your trouble, Paddy. I think it must be drink. ”
“Sure don’t worry about it Doctor, I’ll come back later when you’re sober.” replied Paddy.
Scientific Exploration
Germany conducted scientific exploration involving their very best scientists. Core drilling samples of soil were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on the samples, Angela Merkel announced that the ancient German people some 25,000 years ago, had a nationwide underground telephone network.
The British government decided to do tests of their own. So they ordered their own scientists to take core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and David Cameron later announced that the ancient Brits, 35,000 years ago, already had an underground nationwide optic fibre telephone network.
Ireland not wishing to be outdone immediately ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m, but found absolutely nothing. The Taoiseach, Enda Kenny later confirmed that the ancient Irish people over 55,000 years ago, were a more advanced civilisation than the rest of Europe, and had developed the worlds first ever wireless telephone network system.
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT’S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: “BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU’VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.”
BILLY SAYS: “I’M FINE, MUMMY… I JUST HAVEN’T DONE IT YET.”
MOTHER SAYS: “OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?”
BILLY SAYS: “IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!”
Man gets on the luas train in Dublin
and sits next to a woman breastfeeding her baby ,who wasn’t feeding well. She kept saying to the baby around every 2 minutes to encourage her, “Drink up dear or I’ll give it to the man next to me”. Eventually after about 10 minutes the man said to her, “ For feck sake woman will you make up your mind. I should have gotten off 3 stops ago.
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and declares: “It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four”
“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”
You can not pull that one on me,” replies Paddy. “Quattro means four.You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.”
You idiot!” the Englishmen replies angrily. “Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”
NO Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to work.
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and wasn’t great with English. She was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, ‘Why it change? Last month, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?’
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations.’
The Asian lady yelled back, ‘Yeh, Fluc you people, too!’
Murphy’s’ old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. ‘Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
‘Ain’t dat grand, !!’ Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, ‘Hold on! We ain’t finished yet, !’
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, ‘Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too….’
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, ‘Hold on, we aint got done yet, !’
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !’
Murphy said to the doctor, ‘Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?’
The doctor said, ‘You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.’
Murphy said, ‘Ah yeah, during conception.’
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
‘Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.’
She said, ‘Yeah, I remember dat night…’
Murph said, ‘I’ll tell you, ……it’s a good thing we didn’t use WD-40.
Ever Wonder
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
TRAIN TICKET
Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
‘How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks one of the men.
‘Watch and learn,’ answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, ‘Ticket, please.
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don’t buy any ticket at all!!
‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ says one perplexed man.
‘Watch and learn,’ answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, ‘Ticket, please.’
I’m still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.
Workout machine?
An older guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was nearby, “What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?”
The trainer looked him up and he looked him down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby”.