The Battle of Trafalgar (21 October 1805) was a sea battle fought between the British Royal Navy and the combined fleets of the French and Spanish Navy and was the most decisive British naval victory of the Napoleonic Wars (1803–1815). Let’s now look at it from a modern day good humoured perspective.
Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson aboard HMS Victory : “Order up the signal, Hardy.”
Captain Thomas Hardy: “Aye, aye Sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on here, that’s not what I dictated to Signals. What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Very sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading out aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability! From whence cometh this gobbledygook?”
Hardy: “ New Admiralty policy Admiral, I’m afraid, Sir. We’re an Equal Opportunities Employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting it past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
Nelson: “This is madness Captain, hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke free working zones.”
Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace and fortify the men before going into battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy! Well I suppose we’d better get on with it, full speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think Admiral, you’ll find that there is a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of waterway.”
Nelson: “Damn it man! Here we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in the world’s history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest immediately.”
Hardy: “That will not be possible, Sir. Health and Safety have closed down the crow’s nest, Sir. There is no harness and they said that rope ladders don’t meet with present EU regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, I’m afraid Sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of this word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the old disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sails, come the salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems here too, Sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt water, haven’t you seen the TV and newspaper adverts?”
Nelson: “I’ve never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand bye at the ready.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”
Hardy: “It’s not that, Sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill someone. There’s a couple of free legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
Nelson: “If England expects that every man will do his duty, then how in gods name are we to sink the French and the Spanish ships?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European Union partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
Nelson: “My men must hate the French and Spanish as they hate the devil himself.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir. You’ll be up on Disciplinary Report.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life.”
Nelson: “Don’t tell me, it’s health and safety again. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum rations are cancelled and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that sodomy is now legal, sir.”
Nelson: “In that case you can kiss me, Hardy.”
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